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molly l♥l

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[04 May 2010|04:52pm]
Home from Disney :( It was seriously the best week of my life. I had such an amazing time with Dan. He's the love of my life... and I sincerely he hope he didn't get sick of me while we were down there. I miss him more than anything right now. When I woke up this morning, I turned over in my bed and stared at the empty space beside me. He should have been there. I didn't want to go home last night... I wanted to stay with him as long as I could.

I'm dealing with being home better than I thought I would. I just need something to look forward to. I need to start planning another event so I can keep myself going.

I'm just going to try to explain something just so I make myself clear and try to rationalize how I feel. I wasn't expecting Danny to propose to me while we were in Disney. I knew it wasn't possible at all. I just like being surprised and romantically swept off my feet every once in a while. I don't really think too highly of myself (I'm trying to change that) and I sort of need to be reminded a lot of how much I mean to him...

And ever since I lived on my own in college... I ache for that independence again. I can't express enough how tired I am of living with my mom. My mom and I don't really get along all that well and living together is a constant effort. I've been ready to get out there and be on my own for YEARS now. Now that I've found Danny, my body is saying, "Ok let's go let's go let's GOGOGOGO!" But sadly finances are keeping me from doing that. I don't know what I want to do with my life... and I want to get out of here so badly that I'm panicking. What am I doing to do? Should I write a book asap and try to get it published and jump-start a career? What if I fail?

All I know is that I really need to get out of here. But does Dan want to come with me?
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hmmmm [20 Apr 2010|12:12am]
I'm at a loss as to where I should go with my story. I want to create something original... an intricate world full of wit and excitement. But where do I begin? I don't want to bore anyone... I don't want to write just the same old-same old crap that so many authors write. I need to think of something no one would expect...

Anyway... one week until Disney!! I'm so excited. Tomorrow is Dan's big FDNY test. I'm sure he'll be just fine :)

I've been thinking about him all day. I keep wondering about our future and fantasizing about it.

Lost my train of thought cause Corey bugged me on Facebook chat to come into Ventrilo and say hi to all the WoW people. God I'm such a nerd. But I kinda miss wow sometimes. Looking back on it... wow is a hard game to play. I sometimes wonder how I managed to do all those raids, lol. Its very strategic and you have to work as a raid team to down a boss. I promised them I'd play some wow after Disney so I can try to raid a little again and not be so rusty.

Anywho, as I was saying... I really can't express how much I love Dan. I keep having dreams of a little girl... she has long red hair and green eyes. I'm assuming she'd be our daughter. I also dream about taking care of Dan.. making him lunch or dinner... laughing with him and having the time of my life.


I can't wait to be alone with him in Disney. It will be a taste of the years to come...
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horrid day. [18 Apr 2010|12:00am]
Quite a bit has happened today and I have neither the time nor the energy to fully explain. I will organize this entry into the most important points:

1. Being hit on at work isn't a pleasant experience.
2. Seeing beggars come into Ripley's begging for money is heartbreaking and is not, once again, pleasing in the least.
3. I tried starving myself once more and was doing a damn good job at it... until I recieved a text from my mother asking if I wanted to meet her at Ollie's after work to get a bite to eat... Since I was succeeding at starving myself and didn't want to risk over-eating myself into oblivion, I declined. Upon thinking more about it, I then called her and changed my mind. Earlier this morning she was cross with me before I left for work. I left without saying so much as a "goodbye" and then felt guilty about it. Immediately after calling her, she hurried to meet me at Ollie's and we ate dinner. While we were eating, the subject of my father came into play (for a reasons that still escapes me...) and we discussed how much of an asshole he is. Until... my mom actually said that I was really volatile at one point, and even she would agree in my father's reactions. She even stressed upon the fact that I was unwell, and that she didn't even know how to "handle my illness." Upon hearing this I glared at her over my tea. How could she say that? Really? After everything that's happened in the last few years? Of course I was angry! Of course I was volatile! I wanted to be left alone to grieve! I wasn't given that chance. Once my Nana died, I was immediately asked to move all my belongings into storage or to my father's house. I wasn't even given the time to go through my Nana's belongings myself: when my mom asked me to help her clean out her house, when I arrived it was almost entirely empty with complete strangers taking her things: MY THINGS!! She didn't have a will but if she did... I'm sure everything would have gone to me. How dare they!? And my mom - after all these years of not paying even the slightest attention to me besides what's necessary for her to save face... She was admitting to the fact that she thought me a volatile and angry person and even sympathized with my dad! If eyes could project daggers out of their pupils, my mom would have been impaled. I was scathingly furious! I rose immediately, much to my mom's surprise and said, "This discussion is over," genially, but with a hint of malice, and stroke out of the restaurant. She hurriedly followed behind me, swearing under her breath and I could hear mutterings of, "...absolutely unbelieveable..." "...been treated like shit from her own daughter..." and "...I do so much, and for what? bullshit...." I blinked continually and inhaled deep breaths to keep myself from crying. I managed to stay strong for a block, absorbing all my mother's mutterings and remarks. Finally, after months of not having physical contact with my mom... while she was mid-sentence saying how I treat her like shit... I put my arm around her and cried, for the briefest moment, into her shoulder. She stopped talking at once, almost in shock - and a second later embraced me and said, "Oh, Molly... You know I'm here for you and I always will be..." Having my arm around her made me realize how tiny she really is... her body felt bony against mine, almost weak. My mom and I will never have a stable relationship. When I cried against her shoulder that was me yearning for that relationship that a daughter should always have with her mother. And in that briefest moment, we had that. But I knew it could not last. It's the same as it was now. She went to bed without a word, complaining about the kitty litter and I'm here in my room.. alone with my thoughts once again.
4. Of course, since the dinner at Ollie's ant my mom's emotional confrontation... I binged when I got home.
5. I have a sneaky suspicion that Dan doesn't really want to talk much to me... or at least hasn't talk to me... much today at all. So I'm leaving it be and just going to bed. Whatever. He didn't call me when he left work either... I'm not worrying about it yet.

I'm so fucking tired...
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Well let's see... [12 Apr 2010|10:25am]
So... 15 days until we leave for Disney! (13 days until I'm off from work!) I can't control my excitement. Oh by the way Dan, if I forget to tell you... Disneystore.com now sells a ridiculous amount of Marvel merchandise. I thought you'd like to know =)

The days at work seem to be getting longer though as the time for Disney draws nearer. Yesterday when I got there I was NOT in the mood to deal with people. I was feeling absolutely foul. And it didn't help that Rosiene was there. Rosiene always gets WAY into her job. She talks non stop and is way to animated. Sometimes I wonder if she's a robot...
Here is just an example of my sales pitch compared to hers:

My sales pitch: "Hey guys! What's up? Are you joining us today? (if they shrug, unsure) Well, just so you know this is the largest Ripley's museum in North America. We're home to the world's largest collection of real human shrunken heads. We also have a medieval torture chamber with real medieval torture devices as well as a piece of the Berlin Wall and over 500 real artifacts. It's $29.95 for adults, $22.95 for children making us one of the cheaper attractions in Times Square. It's two floors, 17,000 square feet and it takes about an hour to go through, but you go at your own pace It's definitely worth it. You guys ready to come in?" End.
In that one sales pitch I answered all the questions they could possibly have. Of course, my pitch varies person to person. If they seem impatient I'll cut it shorter, if they have kids I'll explain the Laser Race and point out the attractions inside the lobby to excite them.

Rosiene's sales pitch: (slow almost in a drawl, but very animated- gesturing with her hands constantly) "Hello welcome to Ripley's! Welcome! How are you? (waits for reply) Are you guys joining us today? (before they can answer) Well this is actually the largest Ripley's in North America. 70 years ago Robert Ripley traveled the world and collected artifacts from all over the globe. He also made comic books and that's how Ripley became famous! Then he started creating museums so they could see his work! (her customers nod, almost impatiently) Well this is the largest Ripley's in North America. We have the LARGEST collection of real human shrunken heads. Deep in the jungles of Ecuador the tribes used to behead their enemies, take out their skull, shrink the heads as a way of keeping evil spirits inside: sort of like an eternal punishment. It's definitely very cool! We also have a medieval torture chamber so you guys can torture each other and have fun! (her customers laugh, half faked) We also have a Black Hole...." I could go further with this sales pitch but I'm exhausted just trying to type it all. Basically she keeps going with her long, drawn-out sales pitch and keeps harassing her customers until they decide to come in (I suspect to get her to shut up) She also takes an additional 10 minutes pointing out the two-headed lamb, the car bumper 1-ton horse, and the prehistoric crocodile. She drives me and her customers up a wall!

I just can't wait for Disney. I really can't. It's going to be so much fun... a whole 6 nights with my Danny!
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sldkasldkl [09 Apr 2010|08:19pm]
2 weeks (basically) until Disney.


I need to stop eating so much. I need to lose weight. FIJSKDJKSDKL I need to stop these thoughts again!! :( I want to cry.
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ok so [08 Apr 2010|11:13am]
Here's the thing when it comes to Monique. After everything in my past: from my absent mother in my childhood, to Carrie raising me, beating me... To my Uncle dying and my Nana... I find it really hard to love and forgive. Monique says she loves me... I have to say I feel nothing for her. If she dies tomorrow I'll be a little sad - but not devastated. I only tolerate her because she makes my mom happy. But the day she moved in it was depressing to me. In the months between Carrie moving out, and Monique moving in... Those were the months that my mom was ACTUALLY involved with my life! Every night we had dinner together, we laughed and loved like never before. While she spent all those years in school or locked in her room studying, I was growing up in Carrie's care. I never saw her. But in those precious months, while I was in middle school going into high school, I spent precious time with my mother that I never had before.

These days it's the same as when she was in school. She's constantly working. She leaves at 8am, and doesn't return until 12 sometimes. I never see her. On weekends she's off from work, but either I'm working or she spends the day out with Monique running marathons or something. But truthfully, my mom and I don't have such a stable relationship.. and nowadays i even try to avoid it.

Monique just came in my room and complained that I need to clean the bathroom. Ok... I do it. I have a lot to do today and I'll get it all done. She said she was fed up with cleaning everything. Understandable, but I never asked her to do my room. I keep it clean myself but she expects perfection. When I think it's tidy, she doesn't. She comes in, dusts everything, scrubs the floor, organizes my drawers. STOP TOUCHING MY THINGS MONIQUE!! I have a sneaky suspicion that deep down inside, she wishes I could be moving out. I know she wants a child of her own. I remember she tried a few times to become pregnant a few years ago... but she never did. The subject is never discussed in my presence (shocker. No one ever talks to me about anything, even when theyre going on vacation) and when I brought it up, she angrily said, "What do YOU know about it? You dont even understand." Which I come back and say, "WELL TELL ME AND I'll UNDERSTAND!!!"

I suffer from a complete and utter lack of affetion for both my mother and Monique. I feel so distant from them. I envy Dan's relationship with his mom - how he's able to sit down with her every night and talk about his day. My mom and I never do that. To be completely honest, our relationship is so distant and broken, that I would just be content with moving out and rarely speaking to her except on certain occasions. The only person I ever had a close bond with was my Nana. For 17-18 years she was always there. I told her about my day, she listened. She made me dinner, we ate it together. I helped clean her home, and we'd play games together. She took me on vacations to the places my mom never would: Disney World, Lancaster, Florida. My mom just wanted to travel the world and dragged me with her on semi-adult vacations that I never truly appreciated because I was so young... I didn't know how to appreciate them at the time. My Nana bought me all the necessities. Clothes, books, etc... Things my mom never took the time to go out and buy. My mom just didn't have time for me. I was a wall which she had to hurdle to obtain her degree.

About a year and a half ago, my mom admitted in my presence to my therapist that she resented me. That changed things forever. I couldn't look at her in the eye and truly say "I love you..." and mean it. Because I knew, deep inside... that she would always look at me as an obstacle. An obstacle that still causes her grief, that suffers, and brings her down in it's suffering. She still sees a therapist to this day, and sometimes I wonder what she says to her doctor about me...

I guess since she knows our relationship is in the gutter, and she's trying to piece together our ties as mother and daughter... she did the one thing that could truly make me happy: She's allowing me and giving me the resources to go to Disney World with the one person that I truly love. That's the best thing she could have done for me. And for that, I appreciate her. For the first time in a while.
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eh [02 Apr 2010|09:44pm]
Working at Ripley's is exhausting but at least the days go by faster.... I think? The days are long - that I won't dispute at all. Being in uncomfortable shoes talking to people all day can be tiring... especially if we have to immediately end a conversation with a group, then greet and go into the sales pitch directly after that with another... it leaves my throat sore and aching. But beyond that, it's really fun working there. The people are friendly, my boss is great (he's even out there on the floor with me, greeting and getting people excited about the museum) and I get paid relatively well.

It won't ever get old walking through the museum to get to the break room. I literally have to wander through various "STAFF ONLY" doors to bipass around the Shunken Head room, the Black Hole and the Laser Race room. Seeing people having fun in the museum is really rewarding, especially if I was the one who convinced them to come inside in the first place. I always find myself stopping to look at the heads, the medieval torture chamber, or even gazing at the gun that killed Abraham Lincoln. Believe it or not, I really enjoy everything displayed and appreciate all the different cultures from whence it came.

Madame Tussaud's is directly next to us and competition is fierce. Although they have the upper hand with the celebrites, we have the upper hand on the fun factor. Apparently yesterday and today we were stealing some of their business... so they whipped out their secret weapon... SAMUEL L. JACKSON. Yep. Right in the middle of the sidewalk stood a handsomely posed Samuel L. Jackson drawing in curious pedestrians. That didn't deter us at all! In fact, we had JEWS on our side! Yep during the week of Passover, over a hundred hasidic (and regular?) Jews made their way into our museum (yamikas and all) and formed a long line into the sidewalk. It was crazy! Gotta love the Jews.

Wow always can count on my mom to make my mood drop. She comes into my room and the first thing she says is "Did Dr. Sherman give you a prescription?" I said yes, but it was optional to fill it since the abilify is only for days that I feel very very sad. She scowled and said "Well, Molly it's important to take those since you do have a mental illness..." Ok hold it right there! That may be true, but I honestly don't want my own mother spitting that in my face. I want to be a normal person. I feel normal. But I don't want to be told that I'm mentally ill. It's disturbing. Ugh.

Plus, my self body image is a war zone. Sometimes I feel ok about myself, but most of the time I HATE the way I look. I'm heavy! My thighs are pure fat and my stomach is grotesque. I hate it hate it hate it!!!! I want to look perfect for Dan. I want to look perfect for when I go to Florida. I want to look perfect for ME. :( Shit.


26 days til Disney
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Believe it or not [24 Mar 2010|06:34pm]
So I got the job at Ripley's :) But not as a cashier.... My job is Lobby Greeter / Barker which seems like it would be easy.... But I have to talk to people ALL day and have certain lingos and lines that I have to say to them. Plus I'd have to be on the sidewalk yelling at people to come inside. My training starts this weekend. My manager is going to be roleplaying with me - yikes! Let's hope I do well. At least I get more hours. Plus I technically get commission! If the museum earns their daily goal, I get an extra 10 bucks. If we earn more, I get 20. Cashiers don't get that kind of bonus.

I SEE MY DANNY TOMORROW <33333 YAYYYY!!! I can't wait :D

How many more days til Disney? 36? 37??? OH COME ON!! Hurry up already!!
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Resume Day [22 Mar 2010|05:19pm]

So yesterday I basically quit Lucky. Shhh.  My mom doesn't know yet ;)  But thankfully I have an interview tomorrow at Ripley's Believe It or Not ... which I think is kinda funny.  It will be one of those jobs that I will look back to that I can laugh at.  I would rather get a job at The Intrepid or even at Madame Tussaud's.  But a job is a job I guess.  At least I'll be making some money.

I'm so happy!   Quitting Lucky was the best thing that I've done in a while.  And hey, if Ripley's doesn't work out - I'm sure I can find another job in no time.

I STILL CAN'T WAIT FOR DISNEY AHHH <3  I bought some flip flops yesterday and a new pair of sunglasses.  It will be the best week ever!!!  I love Dan so much and I know we're going to have an amazing time.  He got my pins back from Jara today.  I'm glad they're in safe hands now.  That collection is all thanks to my Nana.  I mostly only  collect Stitch, Belle, and Eeyore pins so Dan is free to choose which ones he wants - if he even wants any at all, haha.

 

One thing that has been bothering me though is Dan's ex.  It seems as though every time her name comes up he gets upset.  His voice drops a little bit and he seems slightly depressed.  : /  I'm just concerned.  I'm afraid he's not completely over her yet.  Sigh.  I just hope he means it when he says he wants to marry me.  Because I know for sure that I'm ready to spend the rest of my life with him.  I have no doubts about that.  I love him more than I've ever loved anyone - or ever will.

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wellllll [20 Mar 2010|12:14pm]
It's a beautiful day outside. My mom really wants me to start looking at a local college so I can take a few courses... so today I'm walking to FIT to see their art programs. I reallyyyyy want to be able to get an internship at an art museum - just for the time being until I can find a better career.

I went to the gym this morning for a little while. Every part of my body right now is aching but I guess that's a good thing.

My mom also wants me to start looking for another job.... I kind of want to, but at the same time I don't want to risk getting paid less money. I might be getting a promotion - it does look promising, but I also don't want it to be too much with schoolwork and all..

I really need to pick up a book and read a little more. I'm wasting my life away on the computer (although, Toontown is getting me excited to go to Disney World... I'm such a kid) and I need to try to get outside more since the weather has been so wonderful lately.

Dan's birthday is in a few days!!! He knows what I'm getting him - and he better like it!! And I MIGHT go to get my things from my dads house Monday. I'll be in Deer Park anyway to get my Disney pins from Jara... I might as well pick up some of my things. It all depends on if Dan is willing to come with me that day. We'll see I guess.

I REALLY CAN'T WAIT FOR DISNEY WORLD. Wtf it's a month away?!?! I can't wait that long :( Time is moving so slowly.. FML
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idk [17 Mar 2010|12:15am]
All of a sudden I feel really sad.. like the world is crashing down on me...

This year has just been absolute hell. All I want to do is be able to live on my own and escape from all of it.... I'm dying to get out of here so badly.


And I've been thinking of my dad a lot and I still can't believe he'd beat me like that... I keep thinking back on the day that he threw me to the floor, called me a bitch and started to tear my hair out and hit me.

I still can't get past that.
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i'm so sick [20 Feb 2010|03:32pm]




Let me life without this
Empty bliss
Selfishness







It took me a while but I'm finally having withdrawal.

I need my fix

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How did we get here? [18 Feb 2010|07:28pm]




I just want all the bad thoughts to go away.







I want to be free.







And I dont want to cry about him anymore.

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sally [17 Feb 2010|11:57am]
I sense there's something in the wind
That feels like tragedy's at hand
And though I'd like to stand by him
Can't shake this feeling that I have
The worst is just around the bend







It's big, right in my face. It's taunting me and making me regret...






And will we ever end up together?
no, I think not, it's never to become
For I am not the one
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this is madness [17 Feb 2010|09:42am]
This entire journal is all a mask covering how I truly feel. I can't even confess here my deepest feelings. And that's a horrible horrible thing.




I'm never getting another chance...
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another thing... [15 Feb 2010|12:46pm]
I really miss SHU. But more than that... I miss being able to dorm and be on my own. I miss decorating my room, keeping it clean for my friends to use it as a hangout. I miss those ridiculous parties - I miss being able to be independent. I miss being on my own. I miss it too much, really. I'm so dissappointed in myself for taking it for granted.

Those were the best years of my life - all upsetting events aside...
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Hey yeah [15 Feb 2010|12:25pm]




Today Dan and I are going out for a day in the city. We'll probably make a pit stop to Blick's to pick up art supplies. I really want to get him some professional markers for his drawings and I want to grab some canvas for painting.







Speaking of painting.... I finished mine yesterday :) It won't be dry by the time Dan gets here... so I guess he'll have to bring it home another day. I showed my manager at work a picture of it, and she seemed impressed. She asked me to paint her Madonna and Child and even though I wouldn't do it for free... it's a challenge. I'd like to paint it. With or without money.











I think for dinner tonight I'd like to take Dan to the sushi restaurant beside Muji under the New York Times building. It's very good - and legit. He wants to go to Muji anyway - so we may as well go to the restaurant.







I still think it was so sweet of Dan to have flowers delivered yesterday. They're purple too! With roses! My favorite




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v-day [14 Feb 2010|11:25pm]
I got a bouquet of flowers from Dan today :) They're beautiful.

Happy Valentine's Day
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boy with a coin [13 Feb 2010|06:01pm]


I need to keep my spirits up.
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badass vid part uno [10 Feb 2010|10:50am]


not the video I wanted to upload (it refused to upload so I'll try again later...) but this is another one of me vs. 2 hunters and a druid.
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